jueves, 2 de agosto de 2012

Update: feeling like crap after a long time.

So, it's been quite a while. I've conquered mi 79kl. goal.
But I can't stop feeling like shit. The guy I had a crush on is dating a super hot skinny bitch. And the other guy I was kinda feeling something for has just started dating a GORGEOUS skinny minnie girl, she looks like a ballerina!
I've been having sex with this guy, just for fun, I mean, I thought: "well, since nobody loves me, at least I can have a good time in the meanwhile". Well, now I think I should stop that. Why? Well, if guys fuck me and they say I'm really cool and bla blha, then why they go and date other girls? And have serious relationships with them? Why not me? Why is it never me? I'm really tired. And all I can think is "they probable won't date me seriously because I'm fat, so I shouldn't eat anymore". I know it's probably not that, but I can't help feeling this way. I want somebody to love me. But no one does. So I'll just close my mouth, suffer and starve until someone says "hey, I do like you and I want to love you!". I know love isn't something easy to find. But then why everybody alse around me seems to find it? Why not me?
I have no answer to that question now.
I always pretend to be happy just to make others happy. But I can't stand it anymore. I had fun. But I want love now. I've always wanted love, but now I accept the fact that the lack of love is what's making me suffer.
I don't know how to handle that.
All I can do is follow mi instincs and think "If I'm skinny, someone will love me, If I starve to death, someone will like me".
I can't deal with this anymore. I want to continue my life, I don't feel like dying. But there's a hole in my chest. And it hurts to death.
Is it really so hard to love me?
Am I really that disgusting?
Am I going to be alone for ever?
Do I deserve to be sorrounded by couples while I feel like a horrible thing?
If there's anyone, ANYONE out there who can love me as the women I am, please, this is the moment to stand up and save me, before I get lost in this darkness.
Please, mistery person, this is the time when I really need you to save me.

Actual weight: 78kg.
Mini-goal: 75kg.
Goal: 70kg.
Ideal weight: 45kg.

Sorry I haven't updated for such a long time, as you can see, I'm not quite well.
Cya, my dears! Please, if you love someone, feel lucky!, it doesn't matter how much do you weight when someone wants to kiss you every single day. Aprecciate that joy that I don't have.
I love you all, and I always will, my dear princesses.

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